Tuesday, October 4, 2016

How Bout Those Cubs?!?



     Some choices in life are hard. We make them before we have all the facts. We pick a lane not knowing where it will take us or what the consequences of that decision will be. And in the unfairness of it all, we have to abide by that decision, right or wrong. You make your decision and stick to it like a grown man. Thats what becoming a Cubs fan is. Or at least it was for me. You see, I made that decision when I was six years old and never looked back. I didnt have a lot to go on either. I knew nothing about the pitching rotation. I had no idea what minor league prospects were in the pipeline. I didn't have a clue what a billy goat had to do with baseball. I only knew two things. One, I liked the colors. Two, they were the team my dad watched the most. However, I knew a decision must be made. Cubs or White Sox. In Chicago, you have to pick one. And so I did. 
   
    In the beginning it wasn't all bad. When I first really got into baseball, the Cubs actually had a decent lineup. They had Sandburg, and Mark Grace. Guys like Shawn Dunston were out there making plays. And they had my personal hero, the guy I would have swore to you was the greatest baseball player on planet Earth, The Hawk. Andre Dawson. In my first ever trip to the friendly confines at Wrigley Field, I only remember three things. The first thing I remember was some little obnoxious blond kid going on and on about how great Mark Grace was. That is until I leaned forward and told him to shut up and wait for Dawson to do something spectacular. The second thing I remember was Dawson making this impossible diving catch to rob some poor bastard of a hit to end the inning. And thirdly, and maybe most importantly. I remember Dawson going yard that game. I remember this more clearly than most events in my life. The way he strode to plate, and took a couple of practice swings, his Jheri curl glistening majestically in the afternoon sun. (And that was really the only way to describe his curl. It was simply majestic.) He takes the first two pitches and then launches a shot onto Waveland for some lucky pedestrian. As a shorty at his first game, it was euphoric. 

     Unfortunately that euphoria had to last for a while. We're talking decades. As my years of being a Cubs fan progressed, I started to understand that winning wasn't the norm for this ballclub. Years upon years of losing started to take their toll. And then a funny thing happened. My pride as a Cubs fan kicked in. I realized that as Cubs fans, we were truly the best fans in baseball, if not, all of sports. You see a Cubs fan is eternally optimistic. We come back year after year. Supporting our team. Believing this could be the year, despite all evidence to the contrary. There is probably nobody living that can say they remember a Cubs world series. If they say they do, and aren't 120 years old, they're lying. But every year we have hope. Some years even rightfully so. 

     If you remember the Kerry Wood/ Mark Prior years, you thought we had a shot. Or when Sammy Sosa was launching homer after homer with his corked bat filled with steroids. Every couple of years or so they bring is some 5 tool prospect who was going to be the kid that eventually got us over the hump, whether it was Corey Patterson or Felix Pie. And then there was the time we gave Alphonso Soriano a big bag of money to come here and be mediocre. Year after year we'd try and fall short, just to come back the following season with a renewed sense of optimism. And then came 2005. 

     Let me say this. I don't necessarily hate the White Sox. Hate involves energy and the Sox just were never worth wasting the energy over. But when they won the World Series in 2005 they celebrated in what seemed to me the most obnoxious way possible. Let me try to explain. See, every White Sox fan has a little bit of an inferiority complex. No matter how great of a season they have, they will always be kind of second fiddle to the Cubs. Even when they win, they can't celebrate without bringing up the Cubs lack of success. So when they won the title, it wasn't enough to celebrate winning. They always had to bring up the Cubs 100 plus year drought. Like it didn't take them 90 something years to win one. Even though the fact that they won the title was kind of a fluke and they have sucked every year since. Scores of people who didn't even watch baseball, all of a sudden, were claiming to be Sox fans, It was sickening. And no matter what argument you have to this day with a Sox fan, eventually they would bring up '05. But I didn't hate. I congratulate. But I did want my own. Enter St. Epstein. 

     Theo Epstein comes in, tears down everything, and builds it back up the right way. He told us it was going to take a couple of years and it did. But the payoff was well worth it. All of a sudden, the Cubs are loaded with young talent. We have more young superstars in the making that we can ever hope to keep long term. But that's a problem for another day. Right now we have them. Right now they're kicking ass. And right now Epstein has officially replaced Malcom Jamal Warner as my favorite Theo. Cause I believe. This is the year. This is the year that finally we get it done. And when it happens they'll be so much joy and pain and frustration and sorrow and memories crammed into the celebration. Everything from Harry Carey's Budweiser induced slur, to The Hawk's jheri curl, to Sammy Sosa's brightening cream will be part of the century of celebration that we finally get to let out. And I will reach back 31 years in time to give six year old me, the biggest high five, for making the right choice. Pain and sorrow fade over time. But hope springs eternal. Go Cubs Go!


Monday, April 18, 2016

Digital Jeezus presents: The Most Dangerous Characters in Game of Thrones

    For those that don't know, I'm the most avid Game of Thrones fan on planet Earth. I began watching the show episode 1, and after catching the next 3, I went out and purchased all the books and read through them in about a week or two. If that's not impressive to you, then you've never actually seen one of the books. They're each about the length of the Bible. Since then I've read each book and watched each season way more than a grown man should.
     So during one of my mini marathons, after a potentially gory scene, I asked myself the question, "Who is the most dangerous person in Westeros? " Now those that watch the show will tell you that this is a loaded question. For a show where the only constant rule seems to be Anybody can get it, at anytime, dangerous is a complicated term. You see, everyone on the show is dangerous. If you're soft, you've probably been dead for several seasons.  So how dangerous is dangerous?
       See I took this seriously enough that I didn't want to leave this solely to my opinion, so I compiled a group of fans that I know are dedicated viewers. I gave them a vote for their top 5. My vote was double weighted simply because I gotta type all this and so was my girl's because she had to lay up and listen to me ramble about this for several nights. But the current question posed by my makeshift committee was "Dangerous, how? ".
     Danger on GOT comes in various forms. Some people are dangerous due to physical strength or skill with a weapon. Some people have dangerous minds. Some people just have a lot of money and resources. Some are a combination. I came up with a semi complicated formula that weighs this out and thanks to the voters, I'm proud to present to you The 2016 Westeros' Most Dangerous Hall of Fame. Cue the violins. Click the links for additional videos. 


Honorable mention
    

Daario Naharis


    Formerly one of the captains for the mercenary army The Second Sons, Daario is supposed to be pretty nice with his hand to hand combat skills. How nice you ask? He had to murder his commanding officers to defect to Daenerys' army. Could've made the list but had to be penalized by being played by two different actors. Still he's always quick to volunteer whenever his queen needs somebody murdered, he's quick to volunteer. 

Ser Jorah Mormount

   Or as I prefer to call him Lord Commander of the Friend Zone. Blatantly in love with his Khaleesi, he would fight through anyone or anything for just a whiff of that Targaryan chocha. He is a exiled knight and the current thrice fired, advisor to Daenerys. 

Barriston Selmy

The former commander to the Kingsguard before being released by Jofferey. Died while in service to Queen Daenerys. Was one of the most legendary and most respected fighters of his day.  When other dangerous people respect you, it says a lot. 

Bronn

A smart fighter with an equally smart mouth , Bronn began as hired muscle for Tyrion Lannister. Though he shares his employers zest for whores and drinking, he's a very accomplished murderer who isn't intimidated by anyone. 

Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon

Childhood friends who later in life joined forces to overthrow the Mad King, these two fighters glory days are mostly behind them when the series starts. But based on some of the memories of the other characters, neither one was to be taken lightly in their day. 


The Top 25

25. Qyburn



This guy is the Westeros equivalent of a mad scientist.Once a former maester of the Citadel, he was summarily dismissed from the order for practicing forbidden experiments up to and including necromancy. You know you're a bad man when your job is to resurrect other bad men.



24. Robb Stark

Oldest son and heir to Ned Stark. the self proclaimed King of the North; A noted tactical genius and military commander. He was a real problem for some of the other characters on the show until he was betrayed by Walder Frey.
https://youtu.be/duWi6FR6PGw


23. Lord Walder Frey 
One of the most evil old geezers in the seven kingdoms. He is notoriously touchy and never forgets an insult. If he ever tells you that the beef is squashed, don't you believe it. The set up is coming.
https://youtu.be/j8K_GWbqw7k

22. Stannis Baratheon 
Middle of the Baratheon brothers, Stannis believes that he is the rightful king. So much so that nothing will stand in his way, and everyone else is expendable. Whether it's his wife,  or brother or daughter or any of the dudes that work for him.
https://youtu.be/BfvRmtRMEGc
https://youtu.be/ED66yqjstU4

21. Lady Olenna Tyrell
Don't let the gray hair and wrinkles fool you. This is one shrewd old lady who can play the game with the best of them. She's got plans inside of plans. Originally higher on the list but I had to drop her due to her lack of retaliation against the High Sparrow for imprisoning her kids. But I'm sure she'll come back with a vengeance. 
20. Oberyn Martell
In my opinion one of the pound for pound most dangerous characters ever. Could kill you with a weapon or poison just as easy. I fought for the Red Viper of Dorne to be higher on the list but most of his street cred is based on reputation. And when he did fight, he wound up on the wrong side of one of the greatest comeback efforts in the history of violence. 
19. Lord Roose Bolton 

Former bannerman under Robb Stark, until he betrayed him to become Warden of the North, this is one of the most icily cold and calculating dudes out there. How evil is he? The symbol for his house is flayed man. For those of you who don't know what that is, Google that shit!


18. Jaime "The Kingslayer" Lannister 
One of my favorite characters so I'm just gonna gloss over the incest. Killer of the Mad King and member of the Kingsguard, Jaime Lannister was one of the most accomplished swordsman in the Seven Kingdoms. At least till he got that hand cut off. A very conflicted and complicated individual, he never hesitates to kill for those he loves. 
17. The High Sparrow
Head Figure of a group of religious fanatics, sorta like the pope, who uses religion to incite the masses, manipulate governments, and justify atrocities, you know, sorta like the pope. His religious standing makes him more powerful than kings and queens on occasion.
https://youtu.be/SiMyExHhAC4

16. Jaquen H'ghar 
Aside from having the coolest way of speaking of himself in the third person, Jaquen H'ghar is a member of the deadliest order of assassins in history, The Faceless Men. Able to alter his appearance at will, Jaquen considers himself a loyal servant of the God of Death.




15. Sandor "The Hound" Clegane 
Originally served as the sworn sword of King Joffrey, until he quit his job in the most spectacular fashion. After that, he spends the rest of his time serving as the de facto body guard of Arya.
https://youtu.be/tozme1J7PpY


14. Brienne of Tarth
Though she is the eldest daughter of Lord Selwyn Tarth, Brienne is no dainty lady. She's very fond of strapping on her armor and mixing it up with the baddest dudes in Westeros including The Kingslayer,  The Hound and just once a bear.

https://youtu.be/DLUI6GxwNxk

13. Jofferey
Imagine how bad Justin Bieber would be if you gave him unlimited power,  even less morals and a fettish for ordering executions. You might have an inkling of what Joffrey Baratheon was like. Easily one of the most hated characters in the history of television.
https://youtu.be/k8L4N3uphVM

12. Bran
The crippled son of Ned Stark also happens to be a powerful warg. This means he can enter the minds of animals and apparently Hodor and control them. This makes him immensely powerful however he's still in training. 

11.Tyrion Lannister 
One of the most beloved characters on the show, what he lacks in physical strength, he more than makes up for in smart mouth and sharp mind. Would rank higher except he's only dangerous when provoked. When left to his own devices,  he'd gladly spend his time drinking and whoring. 

10. Lord Varys 
This bald eunuch is the most elaborate spy master in the land. Highly intelligent and resourceful, he seems to know everyone's business and secrets. And you are never quite sure who's side he's on.

9. Tywin Lannister
Head of house Lannister, this dude doesn't do murders, he does genocides. Don't believe me ask the Starks. Very proudful, he puts the honor and position of his family ahead of everything.  Except Tyrion. He can't stand Tyrion.

8. Daenerys Targaryan

Fan favorite, motivated by a strong sense of justice, and a need to regain her family position, Khaleesi has been on a tear. She would have ranked higher if her strength wasn't so directly tied to her owning the worlds only three dragons. And the fact that she's been hanging out in Mereen for way too long.

7. Jon Snow

My personal favorite character. The guy is just a freaking hero. Despite not knowing who his mother is, Jon Snow was always ready to do his duty. And I refuse to believe he's dead. Damn Night's Watch.

6.Cersei Lannister

One of the most evil and vile women on the show, she will not hesitate to use her power as queen and a Lannister to rain down holy hell on whoever she felt wrong by. Her only weakness is she doesn't always think everything through.

5. Mellisandre

I could talk about how th Red Woman's mystical powers makes her one of the most powerful influential people on the show but I'll just sum her up in three words: Demon Shadow Baby!

4. Arya Stark

Though she has a respectable body count at present, this pick is about upside. Having done internships under some of the deadliest killers in the land, this little girl is going to be completely off the chain when everything is said and done. Valar Morgulis.

3. The Mountain Gregor Clegane

Cracks the top 5 on brute strength and propensity for violence alone. Anytime he makes you think The Hound is the good brother, that's saying a lot. Looking forward to him as some kind of unthinking frankenstein this season.

2. The Night's King

Leader of the White Walkers, and commander of an undead army, dude aint nothing to play with. Aside from looking creepy as all hell, he can raise his defeated enemies from the dead to fight for him. Now that's gangsta.

1. LittleFinger
What can I say about this slick talking s.o.b. right here? Aside from being directly responsible for 99% of the carnage on the show, these dude has no loyalties and zero morals, making him the official number one contender.



and now, the grand champion of danger in Westeros ,  The king of mean for 2016

RAMSEY BOLTON!

When I conducted the poll to come up with these rankings, Ramsay came in number one with a bullet! He was easily the consensus pick. You know a dude is dangerous when cutting off Theon's dick was like the 5th most evil thing he did. 



Special Thanks to everyone who participated in the voting. We gotta do this again next year. Same time same place. And dont forget, the night is dark and full of terrors.