Dear 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus: How Bout Those Bears?

Those of you who consider yourselves a part of Bears Nation, please grab the hands of your nearest neighbor and bow your heads, as I lead us in prayer:

Dear 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus,
                            We come to you today in a spirit of humility. As today marks the first pre-season game for our beloved Chicago Bears, we come to you for our pre-season blessing, oh pre-natal savior. But first we come to give you thanks. Thank you oh 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus, for finally giving us an offensive line last year. You knew in your chubby lil infant heart how tough it was becoming to watch Jay Cutler take the snap, glance over at the weak side, and instantly start running for his life. Rather than be subjected to Cutler running out of the pocket and either throwing the ball to quadruple teamed Brandon Marshall or chucking it up there off his back foot because he's just trying to make it through a game without a ruptured spleen, we got to see an offense. Thank you for giving us actual wide receivers with actual wide receiver size. Oh, tiny infant savior, it was rough. It was rough trying to watch a wide receiver core whose average height was 5'10. I mean, I like Devin Hester and Johnny Knox as much as the next guy, but it doesn't do any good to have receivers who have blazing speed but aren't tall enough for all the rides at Six Flags. But you delivered us Brandon Marshall through a trade and Alshon Jefferey through the draft. You sprinkled your Magic Baby Jesus dust on them and made them the best Wide Receiver tandem in the league.
          However, we do come to you oh 8lb 6oz Not Even on Solid Foods Yet Baby Jesus. For we do still have troubles and concerns, and if we can't bring those troubles to you, the all powerful toddler, then who? These are strange, strange times. For years, we Bears fans have toiled and struggled, watching a team that defensively, could kick the ever-loving snot out of anybody but couldn't score against a high school junior varsity team. We bore witness to more 9-7 losses than any fan base should be subjected too. Then last year something changed. Suddenly we weren't losing games 9-7 anymore. We were losing them 28-24. Suddenly, we could score, but we couldn't stop the other team from scoring. So this off season, we revamped our defense. Please lay your hands on our new defense. Bless them not to be so....horrible. We ask that you bless our linebackers with maturity and our defensive backs with ball-hawking, play-making skills. We pray that anyone not named Chris Conte will be the starting safety this year. But most importantly, we pray for this guy:

Jay Cutler is our quarterback. Never in the history of the position have I seen a more consistently inconsistent qb. One second, he's throwing a breathtakingly beautiful pass down field. The next, he's passing with the accuracy of a second grader. Now, last season we were blessed. When Cutler went down with his usual bi-annual injury, we had Josh McCown come in and play like Joe Montana. This year however, our backups are Jordan Palmer and Jimmy Clausen. I'll say that again. Jordan Palmer (whose biggest career achievement is being Carson's little brother) and Jimmy Clausen (whose next biggest play at the pro level will be his first) are our back-ups. We pray to you. oh all knowing, all powerful, not yet potty-trained infant savior, to wrap your chubby little baby fingers around Cutler and keep him healthy. Just wrap him in the sweet bubble-wrap filled cocoon of your love. Surround him with decent pass protection, and in the event that he does get slammed to the turf, may it have the softness of memory foam. Especially, seeing as how we invested goo-gobs of money into this mopey bastard.
         We pray to you to keep our team, healthy and performing at the highest possible level. We pray that all the new off season additions come to the team and make a positive impact. We pray for the continued resilience of guys like Matt Forte and Charles Tillman. We pray Adrian Wilson has something left in the tank. We play Shea McClellan finds a position and develops at it. We pray for our return game minus Devin Hester. We pray that when Julius Peppers comes back to town with the Packers that he doesn't look like Pro Bowl Julius Peppers, and more like the shell of Julius Peppers that we released in the off season. We pray for health, production, and prosperity, and mostly that '85 wont be the last championship I see in my lifetime. We ask these things in your holy baby name, Amen. And Bear Down!

(p.s.- If you could smite the Packers, Vikings and Lions that would be great.)

Note: By participating in this prayer, you have automatically committed your life to 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus, effective immediately.